...oh god , protect this rocket house, and all those who dwell within this rocket house...

i feel violated...left raw and open to the world and frankly i would be lying if i said i feel completely safe in my own home. for the first time, in almost a year since we moved into the new house, i have felt a cold fear radiating from the base of my spine. this is new to me, this rawness..this absolute terror... not for myself, but the ones i hold so dear to me, those who live and sleep in my house, especially the ones on the lower levels of our home.

at around 1:57 am today, as i was blissfully reading the new posts on PingMag, Wired and randomly rereading my favorite stories spun from the overtly creative mind of Maliha from 'Lightness of Being...' (its a marvelous read, the stories that are written are amazing, so poignant...my favorite is the one titled 'blindness and beauty'), i was jarred by a very loud shattering of glass. immediately my first reaction was that the chandelier in the living room fell down (we have a few chandeliers in the house...my mom is so into the new romantic, classical or as she says 'traditional' look of chandeliers..there's even one in the master bathroom...over a jacuzzi that is never used).

the 'rents were of course zonked out in front of the T.V. they love those Indian channels..so much so, we as the 'kids' are no longer in control of the television programming in the house...its weird that they revert to child like behavior, and we as the children have in all honesty stopped watching television...(youtube anyone?). i went around the whole house checking the chandeliers, the mirrors in the bathrooms and all the windows in the basement...everything checked out.

it seems someone has hurled a rock at our large bay window, thus in effect shattering our main window in the living room. alhamdulillah, by the blessings of Al Muhaymin, no one was hurt or worse... this is frightening, as the window faces the main street, and my Ja'ddi (grandma) sleeps in the adjoining room. her room has two windows that face the same street...

i pray for protection, from the unseen and the unknown...for only my Lord and Creator knows best. i pray for the protection of the people in my house, for my loving grandmother who cried and held my hand as i described my experiences of Umr'ah; for my father who works two jobs, imparts well thought out advise and never lets us go wanting for anything; for my mother...my exact original, we are cut from the same cloth..her and i; for my brother, my un-twin twin...my best friend and my worst critic; and for my youngest sister, my baby...who i would kill for. ya Allah, oh creator of the creature, both seen and unseen...protect those who i hold close to my heart, and in turn...protect those who hold you more dear than themselves or any of your creations.

ameen

Jeddah class schdule and lectures...August 09, 2006

Originally written on August 09, 2006 and is a commentary on the lectures and the schedule that was in place when the Torontonians arrived in Jeddah. The Rihla program was already a week in when the Torontonians arrived (visa..what can you do about it?) and we were having some issues getting used to the schedule. There were issues (sleeplessness, waking up, jet lag and all that) but for the most part I was cool with everything. The lecture series made up for everything, and I was in Jeddah to boot...

August 09, 2006

Alhamdulliah, it seems that I’m getting a hang of the different classes and timing of the lectures that we are having. I admit, waking up for Fajr at around 4:30 am, is difficult for me normally, and even more so when you have only gone to bed at 2 am. The schedule is tight in a nutshell, and is as follows for the most part:

Wakeup 4:30 am
Fajr 5:15am
Wird and Yaseen 5:30am
Session #1 6:00-7:30am
Breakfast 7:30-8:30am
Session #2 8:45-10:15am
Session #3 10:45-12:15am
Lunch 12:30pm
Duhur 1:30pm
Asr 4:30pm
Session #4 4:45pm
Maghrib/Dinner 7:00pm
Session #5 8:45pm
Isha/Dikr 10:00pm

To say that our days are jam packed is an understatement. On top of all the classes (the Shayuk are amazing and the topic are so relevant to us it is scary), I have been trying to read the Quran to the best of my ability. InshaAllah I plan to finish a full Quran before returning to Toronto, and InshaAllah I have been working on this when ever I get the chance.

In terms of classes, Imam Zaid Shakir has been teaching us from a text called “Sayyidunah Muhammadin Rasuulalha” and has spoken to us on the topic of ‘Mercy that the Prophet displayed’. In a Hadith as related by Muslim and Buqari, the Prophet (PBUH) is reported to have said “These are tears of mercy …for if a heart is merciful, in turn Allah will be merciful to the heart that is merciful”. Another Hadith relates that the Prophet (PBUH) once said “One who shows no mercy to this world, would be shown none in the next”. Another topic wee have covered in some detail are the ‘Qualities of the Prophet (PBUH)’, which include Beauty, Generosity, Courage and an Infinite sense of Patience.

Shaykh Abdullah al Kadi’s lectures have centered on the Wives of the Prophet (PBUH). He has compiled a GIS based map of all the most important sites (burial sites, places of interest and conflict) in the Muslim world, in relation to the Prophet that has combined his love for the Blessed Prophet (PBUH) and his skills as an adapt city planner and a GIS technician. I did not know that he had a background in GIS systems, and it has given me an insight of something that I would like to pursue. Shaykh Al-Kadi was telling us in his last lecture, that it is important for us to combine our skills in the Dunyah with our own interpretation and implementation of the Deen. For this is how we are useful to those around us, be it in the Dunyah or in the Deen, and InshaAllah this perseverance will help settle our debts for the Hearafter, because in helping those who do not have the same skill that you posses, you are allowing them access to a limited words. InshaAllah I would love to help Shaykh Al-Kadi with his work, and he was asking for people who have similar training to help him complete his immense project, that when completed will give the Ummah a point and click method of knowing the exact coordinates of some of the most important historical details of our own history. Also, he helped us to map out the route for Badr both for the Quraish as led by Abu-Jahal (from Makkah to Badr )and for the Muslims as led by the Prophet (PBUH).

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf spoke on the Knowledge of the Self using the notable text by Imam Ghazali, ‘The Alchemy of Happiness’, who states that there is a distinction, began between the Heart and the Nafs. Since the Body is the gate of the Dunyah, the Heart is in reality the Ticket to the Hear-After. This occurs only when the Heart is used as an “Eternal” thing, not as the flesh and muscle that s in the actual left brest of man. The Consciousness that one has is the thing that connects the Heart, the Mind and the Nafs of man. The Heart in the analogy used by Imam Ghazali is the King (method of understanding) of the consciousness and the limbs are all the soldiers. The breakdown for this is as follows:

The Self as a City:

Heart—The King
Limbs—The Farmers who provide Food
Desire—The Governor

Anger—The Police Force
Senses—The Spies
Mind—The Minister

All of these parts work together as a whole where the King gives the Governor and Police Force free range of the kingdom, as long as they report to the Minister, who with constant consultation with the King allows the King to pursue higher callings where it can subjugate itself in front of the Lord and Creator. The Spies work for and against the Kings (because there can be double agents in the mix). The whole point is to internalize the order so that you can look into yourself to get meaning, thus allowing yourself to change it internally. This internalization of the change allows you to reflect on the Dunyah, and in turn the Outside World is reflected back to you in similar forms of struggle. The Rooyah is from the a part of the World where it is from the Command of Allah, and there is no real measure of the Rooyah as it is not a physical thing that can be dissected and measured. The Nafs is the impure form of the Rooyah, so in Freudian terms the Nafs is the Ego and the Rooyah is the SuperEgo.

Shaykh Abdullah Al-Bayyah, a legend in his own right has often tried to convey the message of the Prophetic traditions in ways that make sense to the average individual. Though he has been giving his lectures in Arabic, with translations by either Imam Zaid Shakir or Shaykh Hamza Yusuf, he has touched on many different sections of Seerah and Fiqh on the Idea of Divine Law. On Divine Law, the objective is to provide us (humans) with a philosophy and method to interpret Allah’s law. For the wisdom of his law manifests themselves in all creatures (in every atom of all creations). The wisdom is broken into two main Spheres, the Sphere of Malumat (interpersonal relations) and the Sphere of Taburiat (laws legislated as a function of Allah’s wisdom). The Seerah was broken down into three main sections where we looked at the Miracles that occurred surrounding the Prophet (PBUH), the Courage and Embodiment of the message by the Prophet( PBUH), and the lives of the Companions of the Prophet (PBUH).

All in all the sessions have been amazing, and all the classes have been in turn so instrumental in understanding the Seerah, Fiqh and other aspects of the Prophet (PBUH).

further reflections on SV 034...August 09, 2006

Originally written on August 09, 2006 and is a detailed play by play report of what was going on, in regards to the actual flight and such of SV034 to Jeddah.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

This was written on Flight SV034 to Jeddah from JFK Airport in New York. I was so tired, but the excitement of the trip was keeping me awake, so I could not even sleep if I wanted to. Just a daily log of the days events, and oh yeah…this was originally written on August 03, 2006 at approximately 3 AM (Toronto and New York time), and then updated later on August 04, 2006 at around 10 PM Jeddah time at the Al-Hatithy Hotel in Jeddah, KSA.

I can not believe that I am going on this trip, but it all started off as just another ordinary day. I woke up really late for an early flight, and in my scramble to get ready, I found that I was in a state of peace and calm. Mom, Ahmed and Huda all came with me to drop me off at Pearson Airport for my 11:15 am flight to LaGuardia, New York. Since Baba had already left for work in the morning, I could not say Allah Hafiz to him, for which I am greatly disappointed. We all settled in the car, late as usual and raced to the airport. Traffic it seems was against us, but we persevered on and finally got to Pearson Airport with almost an hour and half to spare. However on route to the airport, we were stopped by the police (yikes!) and were issued a ticket. Apparently Mom had driven in a ‘No through Way’ lane and the police officer issued Mom a ticket. This of course took some time out of our planned trip to the airport, but we were running behind anyways, so it didn’t really matter.

Upon getting to Pearson Airport, I breezed through Check-In (thank you Ahmed for helping me with the Express Lane) and met up with my group leader, Urz (she was the designated group leader for the Canadian group—the late comers). After some heartfelt goodbyes with Mom, Ahmed and Huda (I actually did not cry...something I thought I would definitely do…go figure), I breezed through customs and found Gate H.

I gravitated towards the Hijabis sitting in a corner of the waiting area, and introduced myself…Askaa was right, its easy to spot the Rihla people (find some Hijabis who look like thy are lost…works like a charm). I met up with Lamia (hoping to do Graduate studies in the future), Amena (a French teacher in the Jane/Finch area), Yusra (a Financial consultant), Sabina (an English teacher on route to met up with her husband in Doha, and start teaching for a 3 year contract), Sana and Mustafa (18 and 16 year old siblings who came all the way from Edmonton to join us Toronto Rihla goers) and Urz (our group leader). We all talked about what we all did, and things like that to get aquanted with each other in the hour we had before our flight to New York. Around 10:40 am we boarded our flight (Air Canada 0708) to LaGuardia Airport in New York, but since Sana and Mustafa were on standby, we would have to meet up with them at LaGuardia Airport, in New York. It felt weird leaving the youngest two members of our group alone to their own design, but there was nothing we could do. Urz tried really hard to get them on the same flight (apparently there was an issue with their baggage being already destined to another flight after us) but to no luck. With a sense of discomfort about the “KIDS” we left to LaGuardia, NY.

We arrived at LaGuardia Airport, claimed our baggage and met up with two more sisters from Toronto (who had originally planned to arrive via London England, but the Visa situation had forced them to come through USA). Shazia and Iffat joined the Canadian group, and then we were eight people (the ‘Kids’ had yet to arrive). We all talked and sat around for the other part of our group, when who should arrive…Urz’s friend Saad, who came bearing gifts of amazing Halal Chicken Kababs (those were soooo good). Saad was an entertaining individual, who tried to help as best he could (he piled all of our luggage on a trolley and got a porter to push it around for us girls) and then went around to find us a place to pray in LaGuardia Airport (did you know that apparently airports do not have a prayer room or a chapel—weird I thought they would…we ended praying in small groups in the hallway of a broken elevator on the third floor of the airport).

Thanks to him we had a good time eating (we were all starving) and then the discussion that followed was equally entertaining (about Farath Hasmi and her school of thought). I sent out postcards to Appa and Home, from New York so that I didn’t feel so homesick. Its weird, I’ve only been gone for no more than a few hours and I already feel like I miss everyone. I wonder how it will feel when I’m in Makkah and Madinah. Finally we met up with the Kids and then figred out a way to get ot JFK Airport so that we could get our flight to Jeddah.

The Saudi Airlines terminal at JFK was extreamly Ghetto, it seemed like the place was breaking down, but a brother Al-Hashmi at the counter helped us al out greatly when he found out that we were all from Dar El Salam Tour group, and basically allowed us to bypass all the security clearances so that we could check-in as soon as possible. He asked us all to make Dua for him in Makkah and Madinah (which I Insha-Allah will do so). We sat around in the gate and ate the rest of the Chicken Kabaabs that Saad had so graciously bought for us (on the floor no doubt, it looks like we are setting up camp) and then after an hour and half boarded our flight to Jeddah (SV 034).

Update:

The flight was the most part uneventful; except that I found a prayer area in the main cabin of the flight (which seriously surprised me…though praying there when there is turbulence is a whole different matter). I tried to sleep for the most part, but the adrelalin of the trip just kept me awake ( and the inflight movies in the individual screens were a bonus). I listened to CDs on the ‘Fiqh of Umrah’ and the proper Adab of visiting the Prophet, along with my CDs of Islamic songs and nasheeds (Sami Yusuf and Native Deen anyone?) for most of the trip.

Arriving in Jeddah was really like going back in time, surreal to say the least. I put on my Jilbab, and was ready for the heat of Jeddah’s tarmac (the flight landed on the runway and a bus/tram car took us to the International Arrivals Terminal of Jeddah Airport. We got the Terminal and all stood in line in one great big group to go through customs, hopiong to be in our hotel in a few hours. The custom agents (all Saudi men) refused to let us in with out a Mahram (all ten of us Canadians), and since Shakyh Hamza Yusuf was our Mahram (he was at the hotel at the time), customs officials refuse to issue us the Umrah stamps so that we can enter Saudi Arabia. This obviously freaked us all out, and considering we had just been through an almost 24 hour journey, we were all too exhausted and tired to stand.

Alhamdulillah, Urz called the Dar El Salam coordinator in Jeddah (he was waiting outside customs for us) and he talked to the Saudi Custom agents and got us cleared through customs as soon as he could. We all breezed through customs like royalty (they did not even check our bags) and then as we were moving on to the parking lot and the bus that would take us to the hotel, I spotted Zaffar Chacha just waiting for me. I have not seen this man since I was 11 years old, so I was a little emotional when I met up with him, to say the least. He pulled a Baba trick on me and made me talk to everyone I could think off. I spoke with Chachi (her health is good), and his kids, Munibah (who is on holidays from school) and Mujtaba (who was getting ready for his move to London to study Aeronautical Engineering InshaAllah). He also let me talk to Mama (all the way in Toronto) so that she would know that I was Alhamdulliah fine after my trip and that I was safe and sound in Jeddah.

I parted from Zaffar Chacha (and explained to my group that he was my uncle who I haven’t seen for 11 years), boarded the bus to Al-Harithy Hotel (really really nice hotel in Jeddah) and checked in. Since us Canadians were the latecomers of the Rihla group, we all had to wait for some time to get our Hotel Rooms in order. I was put up in Room 1123 with Amena and Lamia from our Canadian group. After we all went up to our rooms, we just washed our faces and then made an appearance at Dinner, at approximately 8pm Jeddah time, where all the sisters of Rihla (from the UK and USA) all asked us about our long journey to Rihla. I met an amazing sister, a convert from London, Sr. Susan, who has such Noor on her person, and is an absolute treasure to be around. Lamia, Amena and myself were the only Canadians at dinner, because majority of the other Canadians rested and came down much later (when dinner was almost over). We were all so tired, that when we did get back upstairs to our room, we all crashed.

reflections on flight SV 034 to Jeddah...August 07, 2006

Originally written on August 07, 2006 en route to Jeddah, at the beginning of my trip to Rihla. In retrospect, this is full of errors and such because I had not slept for a good 27 hrs...adrenaline and nerves can do that to a person.

Monday, August 07, 2006

This entry was written on route to Jeddah (on the flight SV 034) from New York. This was the first entry that I wrote, overtly emotional from the flight (I was at the moment up for almost 24 hours) and with adrenaline of the trip coursing through me in waves. Majority of the 13 hour flight, I was up doing Dikr and listening to the Wird CD that I had received in my Rihla package. Listening to Surah Yasaeen (recited by Yusuf Islam and then later on by Sami Yusuf, was emotional to say the least. I remember crying softly as I listened to Shaykh Hamza Yusuf’s speech on the Characters of the Prophet (Peace and Blessings Upon Him).

August 03/2006 (11pm Toronto Time)

Al-Ham-Du-lil-Laah, I write this as we fly over 10, 000 km over the oceans towards Saudi Arabi, instead of getting some much needed sleep. I am excited and strangely content in my crowded seat on the plane. Even tough it is almost 11pm (NY and Toronto time); there is a settled peace over my body and a fluttering of my heart. Is this really how it’s supposed to be? Am I supposed to be excited and content at levels that I was afraid I had never understood? Is this sense of peace and longing that has been avoiding me since I actually had the understanding of what is true? Askaa had told me that there was always a sense of peace over her heart as she was in the Holy Land doing Dikr at all times, remembering the Holy and Almighty. I long to feel this and I think that I have been avoiding this for quite some time. Am I ready; am I really ready to learn and to understand, to comprehend the supreme and blessed choices that unfold in front of me? Do I actually get it?

Ya Allah, Glorious and Mighty one…please let me get the most of this trip! Ya Allah…you have been my Provider since conception and will always exist as my Lord and Protector. Grant me the patience and the humility to learn from this experience. My heart weeps at my childishness, the wasted existence that has been my life. Ya Allah…bless my Umrah! Allow my Duas and the Duas of all those I have known to reach you Glorious levels of heaven. I am humbled, ashamed of my meager existence and I beg for guidance and direction! Ya Allah I am not but a speck of flesh and dirt…I am your humble servant. Ya Allah!! You have granted me a chance, allow me to learn from it and grow. For Allah, I am on a journey, a long over due one…Ya Allah… bless this Umrah and journey, one that hopefully I am ready for. In all honesty, even though I sit on a very comfortable plane to Jeddah, a sense of disbelief settles over me. Am I really on my way to the most blessed of lands? Am I dreaming or am I really here?

Ya Allah…You know, oh Glorious One, what is in my heart, in the most inner and secret of places. You know, all seeing and all knowing Lord…that this woman desires the most humble intentions to your Deen…so Glorious One, please make it easy for your non-deserving servant to understand and believe, learn and practice what you have decreed since the dawn of time. For You are the All-Knowing, All-Merciful and Glorious of all beings!

Ya Allah…please make it easy for me to actually learn and follow what you have declared to be the ultimate truth. Ya Habbib…Ya Allah…allow me to learn of your most precious of creatures…Ya Muhammed (May Peace and Blessings be Upon Him). Words can not express all my love and devotion, things that I have finally begun to understand in the depths of my soul. There’s a shock…a soul! Something I had though was lacking… but look, here it rises from the depth of my being...forming into what I Insha-Allah want to achieve before I return to my real life.

Ya Allah! Make this journey an easy one for me and my parents…who have left me in your most capable hands. Ya Habbib…Ya Allah…my tears they consume my soul! Ya Allah…I am so humbled and in awe of what Insha-Allah will come for the in this trip.

This is my Dua, Ya Allah, for this trip, a journey of a life time. A cry for help for I am meeting you, Oh Habbib, Ya Allah as far as I can carry myself! Is it not said, that you will run towards those who take a step towards you! Ya Allah! Oh Habbib! Ya Habbib…oh my Lord these are my feeble, meager steps. It is not much but it is what I can achieve on my end, by my own design, but to what truth? I know, Oh Glorious One that these steps, though feeble and faltering they might be, are only by your glorious design. For You, Oh Habbib…are All-Knowing, All-Powerful and All-Merciful in Your Benevolence!

Ya Allah…you know my intensions, though they started off as reflections of what other’s desired, are pure! My true intention is to lay my head and prostrate myself in your glory, for who else deserves this by all Mankind, but You Allah! Oh Glorious and Beautiful One! This is my plea, my long overdue cry for help! Guide me on the true and straight path, as you have guided countless ones before me! Protect me from the weakness of my own heart, my own body and my own wicked mind! For who is tempted, but those who have an ounce of disbelief in their soul? Protect me Allah, Glorious One, for you know all that is to come and all that is true!!

the beginning of the journey...June 21, 2006

Originally written on June 21, 2006 after finding out that I had gotten into the Rihla 2006 Program.

...the journey begins... (June 21, 2006)

"God changes not what is in a people, until they change what is in themselves." (Qur'an 13:12)

It occurred to me that I should write upon the changes I have been recently feeling in regards to my preparations for Rihla. I still can not believe that I am actually going to Rihla (to Makkah and Madinah, of all places...to return after eleven odd years is insane). In all honestly, I was shocked when I found out that I got into the Rihla program run by the Deen Intensive Foundation. I partially applied because my oldest sister (Appa) urged me to, in her own words, "You need to do this, it will help you find direction. Direction in all that you are doing, in your Deen and hopefully that will translate into something for your life, and truthfully I honestly believe that you have been lacking in your sense of direction." In the end, she stood over me as I completed my application for Rihla, just so that I would actually finish it on time.

I know that she's right, because ever since finishing my BA in Human Geography, I have been floating without a sense of direction. I had a job that I actually enjoyed (for a short period of time), but no driving license (who does not have a license at the age of 22...me...), a dependence on my younger brother who actually drove a car (he drove me around...so sad...), and nothing else. I just existed, open to suggestion and persuasion following whatever people told me to do, because they told me to do it. I have always been like that, looking for the approval of people, caught up in the oldest Desi saying of 'What will People think?' The people being anyone, from my extended family to the older Pakistani woman I met at Finch Station who asked me "Beta, Tum Koh Aysah Nahee Baat Karna Cha hi Yah...Tum to Eak Ladki Ho", as I loudly tried to convince my brother to pick me up via my cell phone. It is a sad way to live, I know that, but the approval of these people actually made me feel validated in what I was doing.

Like I said, no direction in anything...even my rants lacks some direction. Getting back on track...Appa convinced me to apply to Rihla (I am actually very happy I applied, because I wanted to go back to Makkah and Madinah for the longest time). My cousin and her husband put in a good reference for me, and I was in the Rihla program. I found out I was in the program when I was in Chicago, visiting my older sister and her three babies (triplet boys...so cute). I physically jumped up and down, screaming about getting into Rihla as my nephews tried to comprehend my screaming and jumping. My driver (brother) told me, "You know...this means that you have to start reading up on things, and becoming more involved with your Deen."

This got me thinking...I need to learn so many things because one has to always be on a quest for knowledge. And having a time limit of a month and a half to go to Makkah and Madinah is obviously not the longest period of time to learn everything, because in all honestly, it is not. I do not pretend to learn, understand and retain everything, because that is a foolhardy thought, but InshaAllah I want to have some understanding of certain things before I go. I have been trying to learn and read, but it has been an overwhelming task.

Spending my early years in Saudi Arabia has made an unbelievable impression on me. Though I have been in Canada for the past twelve years, I have always have a desire to return, so a chance to return to learn and grow within my Deen, is something I could not resist applying to the program. My own experiences with Islam have built on the teaching of my mother, and other teachers as I have tried to refine myself in my application of Islam in every day life, and have always tried to understand my place in the world. Believe me, my experiences with the Deen are not at the level that I would want them to be, but I have always believed that it is only when one realizes their shortcomings, that they can actually do anything proactive about it.

"Yet I am All forgiving to him who repents and believes, and does good works, and at last is guided." (Qur'an 20:82)

Though I would always make it a point to read books on Islamic history in my spare time, I never actually completely retained what I had read and learnt. One gets so involved with the Dunyah that they forget to learn from their teachers about spirituality, sacrifice and their souls. My experiences within this Deen have been limited, not by others, but by my own self. Involvement in other Dunyah related activities has always seemed like a priority, but I have finally realized that it is only with a firm grasp of one's Deen, that the Dunyah becomes easier to navigate.

Attending the Reviving the Islamic Spirit Convention in Toronto in 2004 was an eye opener. Listening to Shaykh Mokhtar Maghraoui's talk on the 'Light of the Prophet' had in essence changed my life. I literally broke down crying when I heard about the sacrifices and trials of the blessed Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) in his last moments. The impact of this talk opened my eyes to my limited knowledge, and since then I have tried to become more actively involved in my own studies in Islam. I am on a quest to expand my knowledge on the Seerah of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the lives of his companions. Hopefully, being a part of the Rihla 2006 group will help me in this quest. It was after attending the 2004 RIS Convention that I decided to work on my Thesis on Muslim women and their portrayal in Canadian media. The intense research I conducted during my last semester of university fueled a desire to learn more about the place of the contemporary Muslim in the Western World.

"Acquire knowledge. It enables its possessors to distinguish right from wrong, it lights the way to heaven, it is our friend in the desert, our society in solitude, our companion when friendless, it guides us to happiness, it sustains us in misery, it is an ornament among friends, and an armour against enemies." (Hadith as related by Muslim)

At present I am at a point in my life, where I find that an integral part of me is missing. I have finally understood that it is only through my own growth in the Deen that this space can be filled. The Rihla is hopefully an opportunity for me to work on learning from highly esteemed scholars, a chance that most individuals do not readily get. After hearing about others experiences with the Rihla in past years, my desire to attend has been strengthened, because I have seen the changes that the Rihla experience has made upon them. They are stronger, and more dedicated Muslims and Muslimahs.

Honestly, what better place to study about the beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) than his beloved city? InshaAllah I hope to return to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)’s city after eleven odd years to renew my roots, my spirit and solidify my commitment to continue in my never ending journey along the Siratul Mustaqeem. InshaAllah attending the Rihla in these blessed cities, entrenched in the traditions of knowledge, with the guidance of the esteemed scholars present, surrounded by others searching for their place in the Deen – will be an experience that I will carry with me for a lifetime.

InshaAllah.

reflections on Rihla 2006

i have long thought of compiling the series of lecture notes on my experiences at Rihla 2006 with a blog...it was a short lived venture, where i slacked off in regards to posting. i have been going through some of my notes that i took in the summer of 2006 (August 2006) recently, and i have been trying to put together a completed note series for myself, based on the amazing lectures that i had the chance of attending.

Insha-Allah i plan to post all of my notes to the best of my ability (and it will force me to be consistent in the rewriting of my notes...thus allowing me to reflect on them). hopefully i can do this on a sectional basis, putting down my thoughts and feelings as i write out my notes (i was writing these as i was taking part in discussions and field trips during Rihla). this will..i hope starve off the sense of longing that i have to return to Rihla this year (i am not in a position to actually go again, though i would give almost anything to go back again). Rihla did change me, but as Askaa (a former Rihla-ite of 2005 told me before i even ventured out to Rihla), these changes manifest in different ways...it takes time to actually see them come out in a person.

Rihla was and always will be a high point in my life...u know when someone asks you to describe the perfect moment in your life (this actually came up once in a conversation with one of my friends)...i can always reply with a sense of longing and with absolute conviction...

"my perfect moment, in the short life of 24 that i have lead..is varied and vast, and will remain with me forever. it was a mix of many things, spiritual, emotional and an overwhelming sense of pure and unadulterated joy...i can not fix it down to one exact moment, rather it is a series of moment that occurred in short period of time. the most visual of moments was when i came upon the Ka'baa...in all its glory, after twelve years of being away from what i had breathed in for eleven years of my life...it was as if my heart ripped from my ribs, my eyes emptied of their tears, my mind cleared of its wanderings, my feet stilled in their movement, my hands moving of their own vocation, my head cleared of its longings, my ears filled with the words of 'Lab-baik, Allah huma Lab-baik', my eyes drank in the blackness of the Kiswah, my mouth voicing what coursed through my veins and called out from the depths of my soul...'Ya Habib, Ya Allah'. promptly after which i fell to the cool marble floor of the Masjid, on my knees, prostrated to the 'Creator of the Heavens and the Earth' and wept. "

this will forever be my perfect moment. i realize that many a people do not understand this as being the most perfect of moments in one's life, but it is always an objective thing to describe one's perfect moment. objectively, in this moment i felt the most at peace, the oneness i felt with my Creator was absolute...the longing to follow his laid down path is overwhelming...and the love i discovered for the Prophet is another thing in itself. i have reverence for these moments and i have converted them into a film strip in my mind, played at moments where i question myself and my sanity...these things (moments like these) keep me from falling into the dark abysmal pits that i create for myself.

...ahh...'to do' lists..why do u mock me so?

today, it seems this urge to purge myself has set in, in a longing to be free of my demons and haunting. it is an uphill battle, up a slippery slope of laughter and ridicule...but one that i desperately want to climb up. with my stones around my neck, i have managed to take a few feeble steps up this gigantic slope, but it seems every time i think i have made progress, i fall back on my back...sprawled and hurt with this looming climb towering over me..this image has started to keep me up at night and i am tired of these images in my mind, playing on a constant reel of epic trailers...fighting to control myself is like trying to squeeze dry play dough into a broken straw.

i know it can be done, but by the gods that mirthfully scowl at us humans... it can not be done by me.

my illusions of self have been shattered, by my own hand...but it is in the constant willowing of self pity and pathos that has lead to this...isn't it? i do not understand this need...this purging of self, both mentally and physically...the control that i have on the food and thoughts i take in is absolute, but i still purge, viciously. retching out my guts i get a sense of peace. as i sit on my tiled floor among the spittle, debris and fallen hair...compiling lists of things that have yet again gone wrong in my life.

there are never ending lists, things that i know will never get done...but yet i write them, putting down my 'to do' wants, needs, desires and illusions...they collect in my bag, my agenda and my books; mocking me in their listings...mocking my lack of execution and pseudo attempts at 'following through'. it is this execution that has always alluded me...i can plan and create with the best of them...but execution and acting upon these guidelines...this i can not do, nor do i have any drive to complete.

... yet here i am

its been some time since i've written anything on a regular basis, but it seems that i have been falling into a nonsensical rut...i feel like i'm crashing and burning.

its been a creation of my own hands, this pit that i have fallen into. emotional highs and lows carted together on a never ending see-saw, my own created demons taunting me to get off this hell ride. but yet i cling on for dear life, refusing to budge from what is obviously a bad situation. why has it come to this...have i truly gone off the deep end to have my life fall down around me in a mess of few too many un-kept promises to others and shattered images of self that i refuse to even look at, now that they have been exposed as my own creations?

has my mind gone blank, what am i honestly doing here in this space...clinging to my juvenile delusions of 'fitting in' with the popular people, and 'finally getting it right'. i know that this is not me, it has never been me...i have been always far too removed from the 'cool' people, and it is not a dream that i should be chasing at my age. but yet, here i am...begging to be seen as part of their group, any group for that matter.

i am lost..my body has been tempted and mistreated for far too long. the food and the pills have long ago shown me their ways and effects on my psyche and my body, but new things have crept in. images that i have always tried to adhere to are finally in my grasp, but i succumb to the weakness of my self-sabotaging mind and have created new demons.

food is an enemy now, the constant ebb and flow of these morsels i put in my mouth is starting to retch out of my system, by my own hand..i know this is not what i should do...but it feels so right. i have control..control of something that is mine, and mine alone. far too long have i gone, moving to the drum beats of those around me, but this is my creation, my baby if you will. this is my fight against me, and by god i will win it, even if it kills me.

i know not if anyone will read this and relate, but i am compelled to write. isolation, in my own mind is driving me crazy.. i feel like i'm losing a battle i should not even be fighting, yet here i am.