the beginning of the journey...June 21, 2006

Originally written on June 21, 2006 after finding out that I had gotten into the Rihla 2006 Program.

...the journey begins... (June 21, 2006)

"God changes not what is in a people, until they change what is in themselves." (Qur'an 13:12)

It occurred to me that I should write upon the changes I have been recently feeling in regards to my preparations for Rihla. I still can not believe that I am actually going to Rihla (to Makkah and Madinah, of all places...to return after eleven odd years is insane). In all honestly, I was shocked when I found out that I got into the Rihla program run by the Deen Intensive Foundation. I partially applied because my oldest sister (Appa) urged me to, in her own words, "You need to do this, it will help you find direction. Direction in all that you are doing, in your Deen and hopefully that will translate into something for your life, and truthfully I honestly believe that you have been lacking in your sense of direction." In the end, she stood over me as I completed my application for Rihla, just so that I would actually finish it on time.

I know that she's right, because ever since finishing my BA in Human Geography, I have been floating without a sense of direction. I had a job that I actually enjoyed (for a short period of time), but no driving license (who does not have a license at the age of 22...me...), a dependence on my younger brother who actually drove a car (he drove me around...so sad...), and nothing else. I just existed, open to suggestion and persuasion following whatever people told me to do, because they told me to do it. I have always been like that, looking for the approval of people, caught up in the oldest Desi saying of 'What will People think?' The people being anyone, from my extended family to the older Pakistani woman I met at Finch Station who asked me "Beta, Tum Koh Aysah Nahee Baat Karna Cha hi Yah...Tum to Eak Ladki Ho", as I loudly tried to convince my brother to pick me up via my cell phone. It is a sad way to live, I know that, but the approval of these people actually made me feel validated in what I was doing.

Like I said, no direction in anything...even my rants lacks some direction. Getting back on track...Appa convinced me to apply to Rihla (I am actually very happy I applied, because I wanted to go back to Makkah and Madinah for the longest time). My cousin and her husband put in a good reference for me, and I was in the Rihla program. I found out I was in the program when I was in Chicago, visiting my older sister and her three babies (triplet boys...so cute). I physically jumped up and down, screaming about getting into Rihla as my nephews tried to comprehend my screaming and jumping. My driver (brother) told me, "You know...this means that you have to start reading up on things, and becoming more involved with your Deen."

This got me thinking...I need to learn so many things because one has to always be on a quest for knowledge. And having a time limit of a month and a half to go to Makkah and Madinah is obviously not the longest period of time to learn everything, because in all honestly, it is not. I do not pretend to learn, understand and retain everything, because that is a foolhardy thought, but InshaAllah I want to have some understanding of certain things before I go. I have been trying to learn and read, but it has been an overwhelming task.

Spending my early years in Saudi Arabia has made an unbelievable impression on me. Though I have been in Canada for the past twelve years, I have always have a desire to return, so a chance to return to learn and grow within my Deen, is something I could not resist applying to the program. My own experiences with Islam have built on the teaching of my mother, and other teachers as I have tried to refine myself in my application of Islam in every day life, and have always tried to understand my place in the world. Believe me, my experiences with the Deen are not at the level that I would want them to be, but I have always believed that it is only when one realizes their shortcomings, that they can actually do anything proactive about it.

"Yet I am All forgiving to him who repents and believes, and does good works, and at last is guided." (Qur'an 20:82)

Though I would always make it a point to read books on Islamic history in my spare time, I never actually completely retained what I had read and learnt. One gets so involved with the Dunyah that they forget to learn from their teachers about spirituality, sacrifice and their souls. My experiences within this Deen have been limited, not by others, but by my own self. Involvement in other Dunyah related activities has always seemed like a priority, but I have finally realized that it is only with a firm grasp of one's Deen, that the Dunyah becomes easier to navigate.

Attending the Reviving the Islamic Spirit Convention in Toronto in 2004 was an eye opener. Listening to Shaykh Mokhtar Maghraoui's talk on the 'Light of the Prophet' had in essence changed my life. I literally broke down crying when I heard about the sacrifices and trials of the blessed Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) in his last moments. The impact of this talk opened my eyes to my limited knowledge, and since then I have tried to become more actively involved in my own studies in Islam. I am on a quest to expand my knowledge on the Seerah of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the lives of his companions. Hopefully, being a part of the Rihla 2006 group will help me in this quest. It was after attending the 2004 RIS Convention that I decided to work on my Thesis on Muslim women and their portrayal in Canadian media. The intense research I conducted during my last semester of university fueled a desire to learn more about the place of the contemporary Muslim in the Western World.

"Acquire knowledge. It enables its possessors to distinguish right from wrong, it lights the way to heaven, it is our friend in the desert, our society in solitude, our companion when friendless, it guides us to happiness, it sustains us in misery, it is an ornament among friends, and an armour against enemies." (Hadith as related by Muslim)

At present I am at a point in my life, where I find that an integral part of me is missing. I have finally understood that it is only through my own growth in the Deen that this space can be filled. The Rihla is hopefully an opportunity for me to work on learning from highly esteemed scholars, a chance that most individuals do not readily get. After hearing about others experiences with the Rihla in past years, my desire to attend has been strengthened, because I have seen the changes that the Rihla experience has made upon them. They are stronger, and more dedicated Muslims and Muslimahs.

Honestly, what better place to study about the beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) than his beloved city? InshaAllah I hope to return to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)’s city after eleven odd years to renew my roots, my spirit and solidify my commitment to continue in my never ending journey along the Siratul Mustaqeem. InshaAllah attending the Rihla in these blessed cities, entrenched in the traditions of knowledge, with the guidance of the esteemed scholars present, surrounded by others searching for their place in the Deen – will be an experience that I will carry with me for a lifetime.

InshaAllah.