Originally written on August 07, 2006 en route to Jeddah, at the beginning of my trip to Rihla. In retrospect, this is full of errors and such because I had not slept for a good 27 hrs...adrenaline and nerves can do that to a person.
Monday, August 07, 2006
This entry was written on route to Jeddah (on the flight SV 034) from New York. This was the first entry that I wrote, overtly emotional from the flight (I was at the moment up for almost 24 hours) and with adrenaline of the trip coursing through me in waves. Majority of the 13 hour flight, I was up doing Dikr and listening to the Wird CD that I had received in my Rihla package. Listening to Surah Yasaeen (recited by Yusuf Islam and then later on by Sami Yusuf, was emotional to say the least. I remember crying softly as I listened to Shaykh Hamza Yusuf’s speech on the Characters of the Prophet (Peace and Blessings Upon Him).
August 03/2006 (11pm Toronto Time)
Al-Ham-Du-lil-Laah, I write this as we fly over 10, 000 km over the oceans towards Saudi Arabi, instead of getting some much needed sleep. I am excited and strangely content in my crowded seat on the plane. Even tough it is almost 11pm (NY and Toronto time); there is a settled peace over my body and a fluttering of my heart. Is this really how it’s supposed to be? Am I supposed to be excited and content at levels that I was afraid I had never understood? Is this sense of peace and longing that has been avoiding me since I actually had the understanding of what is true? Askaa had told me that there was always a sense of peace over her heart as she was in the Holy Land doing Dikr at all times, remembering the Holy and Almighty. I long to feel this and I think that I have been avoiding this for quite some time. Am I ready; am I really ready to learn and to understand, to comprehend the supreme and blessed choices that unfold in front of me? Do I actually get it?
Ya Allah, Glorious and Mighty one…please let me get the most of this trip! Ya Allah…you have been my Provider since conception and will always exist as my Lord and Protector. Grant me the patience and the humility to learn from this experience. My heart weeps at my childishness, the wasted existence that has been my life. Ya Allah…bless my Umrah! Allow my Duas and the Duas of all those I have known to reach you Glorious levels of heaven. I am humbled, ashamed of my meager existence and I beg for guidance and direction! Ya Allah I am not but a speck of flesh and dirt…I am your humble servant. Ya Allah!! You have granted me a chance, allow me to learn from it and grow. For Allah, I am on a journey, a long over due one…Ya Allah… bless this Umrah and journey, one that hopefully I am ready for. In all honesty, even though I sit on a very comfortable plane to Jeddah, a sense of disbelief settles over me. Am I really on my way to the most blessed of lands? Am I dreaming or am I really here?
Ya Allah…You know, oh Glorious One, what is in my heart, in the most inner and secret of places. You know, all seeing and all knowing Lord…that this woman desires the most humble intentions to your Deen…so Glorious One, please make it easy for your non-deserving servant to understand and believe, learn and practice what you have decreed since the dawn of time. For You are the All-Knowing, All-Merciful and Glorious of all beings!
Ya Allah…please make it easy for me to actually learn and follow what you have declared to be the ultimate truth. Ya Habbib…Ya Allah…allow me to learn of your most precious of creatures…Ya Muhammed (May Peace and Blessings be Upon Him). Words can not express all my love and devotion, things that I have finally begun to understand in the depths of my soul. There’s a shock…a soul! Something I had though was lacking… but look, here it rises from the depth of my being...forming into what I Insha-Allah want to achieve before I return to my real life.
Ya Allah! Make this journey an easy one for me and my parents…who have left me in your most capable hands. Ya Habbib…Ya Allah…my tears they consume my soul! Ya Allah…I am so humbled and in awe of what Insha-Allah will come for the in this trip.
This is my Dua, Ya Allah, for this trip, a journey of a life time. A cry for help for I am meeting you, Oh Habbib, Ya Allah as far as I can carry myself! Is it not said, that you will run towards those who take a step towards you! Ya Allah! Oh Habbib! Ya Habbib…oh my Lord these are my feeble, meager steps. It is not much but it is what I can achieve on my end, by my own design, but to what truth? I know, Oh Glorious One that these steps, though feeble and faltering they might be, are only by your glorious design. For You, Oh Habbib…are All-Knowing, All-Powerful and All-Merciful in Your Benevolence!
Ya Allah…you know my intensions, though they started off as reflections of what other’s desired, are pure! My true intention is to lay my head and prostrate myself in your glory, for who else deserves this by all Mankind, but You Allah! Oh Glorious and Beautiful One! This is my plea, my long overdue cry for help! Guide me on the true and straight path, as you have guided countless ones before me! Protect me from the weakness of my own heart, my own body and my own wicked mind! For who is tempted, but those who have an ounce of disbelief in their soul? Protect me Allah, Glorious One, for you know all that is to come and all that is true!!
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