...ahh...'to do' lists..why do u mock me so?

today, it seems this urge to purge myself has set in, in a longing to be free of my demons and haunting. it is an uphill battle, up a slippery slope of laughter and ridicule...but one that i desperately want to climb up. with my stones around my neck, i have managed to take a few feeble steps up this gigantic slope, but it seems every time i think i have made progress, i fall back on my back...sprawled and hurt with this looming climb towering over me..this image has started to keep me up at night and i am tired of these images in my mind, playing on a constant reel of epic trailers...fighting to control myself is like trying to squeeze dry play dough into a broken straw.

i know it can be done, but by the gods that mirthfully scowl at us humans... it can not be done by me.

my illusions of self have been shattered, by my own hand...but it is in the constant willowing of self pity and pathos that has lead to this...isn't it? i do not understand this need...this purging of self, both mentally and physically...the control that i have on the food and thoughts i take in is absolute, but i still purge, viciously. retching out my guts i get a sense of peace. as i sit on my tiled floor among the spittle, debris and fallen hair...compiling lists of things that have yet again gone wrong in my life.

there are never ending lists, things that i know will never get done...but yet i write them, putting down my 'to do' wants, needs, desires and illusions...they collect in my bag, my agenda and my books; mocking me in their listings...mocking my lack of execution and pseudo attempts at 'following through'. it is this execution that has always alluded me...i can plan and create with the best of them...but execution and acting upon these guidelines...this i can not do, nor do i have any drive to complete.